Sheila’s Take on Forgiveness

This past week my son got his bike stolen. It was my fault. 

We love how close we are to the school. It’s a little over a mile and we can get to the school on mostly bike trail and back roads, so pretty safe too. In fact, my 6yr old got off her training wheels this summer JUST so she would be able to ride in like big brother does. My son is 9 and has proved his ability to ride into school alone a few days a week. We rode the route together several times and he proved to me that he could be safe. My husband is a biking fanatic, and an extreme safety fanatic as well so the safety rules on bikes in this house are no joke. I shout rules out as we are biking constantly. The kids have the rules memorized. Always stop at stop signs, Always call it out when you are coming up on someone else, Always make yourself known to other vehicles, Always maintain eye contact with cars upon crossing the road. No eye contact, no cross. So my son, after reciting these rules to us, got a pass to start going into school a little earlier He usually leaves about 5 minutes before me and the girls come. This particular day it was a little chilly out and me and the girls decided not to bike in… but he had some work he wanted to get done so he biked in even in the 35 degree weather. Here is my mistake. I had forgotten he had an appointment that afternoon. 

I took him out of school to get his hair cut. I have 3 children and I choose not to take 3 children into a hair salon. We had some really great one on one time - which when you have 3 children is hard to find one on one time with each of them. I’m constantly feeling like someone is getting less love and affection from me. So yes, I pull my son from school to get a much needed hair cut. In the process of getting his hair cut he had asked the stylist if she could throw some color in there…. To which i surprisingly agreed. The whole ordeal took much longer than expected and we barely made it back in time to pick up my daughter from school. When we got to the school he was showing his new locks off to everyone. He chose bright red highlights. I figured, what the hell. It’s just color. It washes out. It makes him happy. Lets do this. In the excitement of the hair and the rush to get the 6yr old… we forgot about the bike. SO the bike stayed at the school overnight. Not locked up. Sure enough, the next morning it was gone. 

My son was devastated. We immediately failed a police report and did our due diligence with online searches and community help. It’s been a week now. No bike. Most nights have ended in tears. He doesn’t want a new bike. He wants his bike. 

There is something about getting something stolen. Whether it be a bike, or a car, or any item that is yours that is not theirs. It is so personal. While the person who stole your thing may not know who you are or what the impact this stolen item may leave - it is still personal. 

For my son, this bike was a milestone - it was his first 24” bike. He helped pick it out. He helped negotiate the price. He helped upgrade a couple components. He really took ownership. This bike also gave him freedom. Freedom to ride to school alone and be independence. So he probably feels like some of his freedoms were taken. He probably feels like if his things aren’t safe, he isn’t safe. 

I don’t really know how to handle this situation. What is the lesson in this that I’m trying to teach him? Besides lock up your bike and don’t leave it at school. I don’t want this to teach him that all people are bad. I want him to have faith in humanity, even when it’s so hard to do so. I want him to not worship material items and to know that items are replaceable. But I’m also mad for him. I’m mad that some high school kids thought it would be fun to grab a bike from an elementary school for fun. I’m mad that I left the damn bike at the school. I’m mad that this bike getting stolen ruined the amazing day my son and I had. The memory of us ditching school a few hours will forever be tainted by the time mom forgot to pick up my bike and it got stolen and now my life is ruined. I suppose by now I’m used to being the bad guy and getting blamed for all the things. I’m blaming myself afterall. 

Maybe my opportunity here is to teach him forgiveness. 

Explaining forgiveness to a child is going to be difficult. Adults have a hard enough time with this concept. “We can get you a new bike son, we can get you a solid bike lock even… but we can’t force you to forgive. Only you can do that. That has to be a choice you make.” 

I look back over my childhood and I see years of grudges. I can still think of those moments my friends or family failed me and I held onto those moments. I held onto them so long that I honestly am struggling letting them go. Those moments of anger and high emotion have become a part of me. 

Yes, forgiveness is the lesson. So I decided to google “how to teach forgiveness” - because that seems like the best route at this point. I found several great suggestions. All those links will be listed in the show notes. Here is my clif notes for you. 

Forgiveness isn’t saying what happened is fair or good. Rather, it’s saying, “I am deciding to let go of my hurt and angry feelings toward that person even though they hurt me.” - This Website

As parents, its our job to be model forgivers. Well this sounds hard. I’ve been in therapy for years just trying to figure this out. And that’s me with a great child hood and very little trauma throughout my life. It makes sense though, if I can’t SHOW them how to forgive the little things that happen in my life, how can they be expected to forgive those big things. That means forgiving our partners, forgiving our children, and forgiving ourselves REGULARLY. No more reminding my spouse how he has done it wrong a million times before, but forgive past offenses (even the one from last tuesday when I lost a game of dishes chicken… I’ll probably explain this in a later episode). 

Here is my favorite suggestion: Write a note. Take up pen and paper and write a letter to the person who hurt them. We don’t have the opportunity to give our offender this letter, but the point is, he is going to get his feelings down on paper. Now I love this suggestion, but my son hates writing. Maybe if I let him write curse words he will be more willing to do this one. As long as the letter is constructive - including how he felt hurt, how he feels now, and how he could suggest what the people could have done instead of stealing the bike. Most importantly, end the letter with some sort of expression of forgiveness and understanding - again, this would be hard for me and it will be hard for my son. 

And finally, the Mayo clinic website says that Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. 

Benefits of forgiveness: 

• Healthier relationships

• Improved mental health

• Less anxiety, stress and hostility

• Lower blood pressure

• Fewer symptoms of depression

• A stronger immune system

• Improved heart health

• Improved self-esteem

Listen, I get that parenting is hard and even thinking about forgiveness in some instances is real hard… we are all here just doing the best we can. 

Hey friend, Find your forgiveness this week. Especially if “they” don’t deserve it. 

In Grace,

Sheila

Sheila’s Take on Friends

Last night I enjoyed a late night walk in the snow. The clouds were low and the street lights were bright enough for me to see all the way down the street. It was the perfect temperature for a sweater jacket and a hat. That first snow of the year is one of my favorite moments. Plus up on my side of town we got big wet flakes that stuck to the ground. The trees were coated evenly with what looked like pillows of cotton balls. Each of those season changes are my favorite moments - reminding me that our world and our lives will rarely remain the same. Ever changing, ever growing. 

I was walking so late because it was my bi-weekly “girls night” with a mom friend that lives a couple of blocks up from me. Over the pandemic a couple of mom friends that I had just met a few months prior, got together twice a month to keep ourselves sane. We have continued this tradition even though we now get to see each other at school drop off each day. It’s really been so wonderful to have these women in my life. The thing is, our kids aren’t friends and our husbands aren’t friends - we’ve never pushed the issue. Probably because we weren’t willing to share our time with a rowdy bunch. We have become accustomed to spending these quiet moments late at night when everyone else is in bed to be ourselves. No looking over our shoulder to scold a child that isn’t sharing or isn’t saying kind words. No making sure the husband is having a good time. This is just a time for three women with children of the same age to get together and talk about how we are surviving. The answer usually is - we don’t actually know. We get up and do the things and come home and do more things and pick up the kids and cook the dinner and clean the house that was clean last night but managed to get unclean in the last 24 hours…. And we do that every day. We talk about our ups and downs in life. How each of our kids are progressing and if we are making the right choices. Should I have given my child more consequences or less? Should I help my child make more friends? Is my child reading too much? Yes, that was a conversation point last night. We ask ourselves all the crazy questions that many parents are thinking but afraid to ask out loud. We don’t judge one another, we just listen. 

In this moment I have friends that I can really connect with. I’m sure as my children grow I will find more connections or different connections. 

When my husband and I got married in 2006 we had several friends who had just gotten engaged or married that same year. We joined a newlywed bible study group and talked only about being married. We connected deeply and shared our struggles and joys of that first year of marriage…. How many times can a couple fight over chores and finances? Turns out, the rest of their lives. It was nice to know that the couples in that small group struggled that first year of marriage as much as we did. Newly weds doesn’t mean all of a sudden your relationship becomes uncomplicated and easy. It just means you are now committed to each other in sickness and health. We still speak with many of those couples, but we all went our separate ways and live our different lives. It was a season that we needed each other. 

I remember in the beginning stages of the adoption process I found a group of families going through the exact same things. We were all childless and waiting for our first match. Those moments of waiting caused a huge amount of anxiety for all of us - no matter why we were adoption. We met in a conference room once a month to talk about how we were coping. Tears were shed every month. Soon, babies started coming to those meetings… until we could no longer have the meetings due to our busy parenting schedules. In the time we needed each other, we were there. Our relationships have changed, but we are still in contact with each other. That was 10 years ago, and to this day we try to get together from all corners of the city for the kids to play. In fact, I started working for one of those families - which is why I get to be here with you. 

Where are you going to find your community today? We can’t always rely on our connections from 10 years ago when we were in a completely different stage of life as we are now. We can continue to love those people, but you need to find the community for the life you are living today. Is that community a group of new moms or a group of newly weds. Is that community a group of divorcees or widows? What is going on in your life right now and how can you find a group of people that are dealing with the same things? What I have found is that when we are struggling, we have to be the ones to reach out. We are too good at hiding our distress - and even if we are not, are we going to accept the help of someone who senses your distress or are we going to keep pretending we are fine? Part of being a human is having humility to know when to reach out. Admit you are drowning and reach for the life raft. Drowning is a fairly silent process you know…. Are we expecting a mind reading life guard to scoop us off the bottom of the ocean? We have to be our own advocates. We have to be willing to save our selves. We have to WANT to live and ask to be saved. 

We don’t have to go through life alone. While it is so easy to check out of personal relationships these days by just logging on to the computer, we have got to be strong enough to take a look outside our screens and see the human beings right in front of our faces. We get a choice to have people walk beside us. Sometimes its the people we expect to walk beside us and some times we are surprised by those that end up unexpectedly becoming the most important part of our lives. 

You may say that you are alone because everyone has left you - but re think this - has everyone left you behind or have you left them behind? Are you chasing a person who cannot be available for you right now? Find new people. This world is filled with billions of kind souls just waiting to be your community. 

We do not have to be alone in this world. 

Be curious. Ask questions. I promise you will find your right people in the moment that you need them if you open your mouth and ask how THEY are doing. 

In Grace,

Sheila

Sheila’s Take on Grace

What is Grace? 

I’m sure for a lot of people grace seems like a religious term. 

The internet dictionary has several definitions of Grace - between simple elegance to politeness to a prayer. 

To me, grace means forgiveness. When I chose the name Raising Grace what I meant was, raising our children the best way we can while forgiving ourselves in the frequent mistakes we make as parents. A childs number one job is to push barriers and find where the boundaries lie. A parents number one job is to keep that child safe, loved, and cared for. When a child pushes those boundaries we have set for them - we often lose our loving graces. I know I can only ask my children a few times to do something before I blow a gasket. I don’t actually know what a gasket is in the real world sense, but to me it’s the image of bugs bunny with smoke coming out of his ears. My voice loses its “elegance” and i become louder and more demanding. 

This morning I asked my 9 year old son to help with his younger sisters. They have a hard time staying focused. He straight up told me, “that’s not my job and I don’t have to do it.” 

My grace filled parenting experience told me to take some deep breaths, but my sass kicked in real hard and I responded with, “well I don’t have to give you a ride to school every morning, but I do.” 

Which clearly isn’t the same as asking him to help his sisters, but I was irritated with the back talk. 

At the same time, my 3yr old was being extra defiant. I had asked her to help clean up a few things before we headed off to school. She looked me straight in the eye and said, “mama, I not gonna do that. You do that mama. I gonna play.” 

At the same time, my 6yr old managed to spill her filled cup of super organic $8 per gallon milk all over her pancake. 

Praise sweet baby Jesus… send me mother mary because I am about to lose my shit. 

Dear reader, let me tell you that being a grace filled parent is the hardest thing have had to attempt to do in the 40 years I have lived on this earth. 

So, parents out there who think you are alone in the beautiful mess that is raising children - you are incorrect. You are joined by a community of mothers and fathers who are just trying to hold it together. 

This morning, I gave my children grace for being defiant back talking little…. Angels. And I gave myself grace for holding it together as much as I possibly could. That my friends, is what raising grace is. As parents we have to do the hardest things every single day - most of which is apologizing and forgiving.

My husband and I have an on-going joke about a recent meme we have seen. What is harder to say - I’m sorry or warchestersire? Sometimes, I just say warchestershire or is it whareserenter …. Whatever, it’s easier than saying I’m sorry. 

Why is it so hard to say we are sorry? Is it because we are NOT sorry? No son, I’m not sorry for screaming at you for not picking up the socks that you launched across the room for the 900th day in a row. What the ACUTAL HELL! THEY ARE NOT WEAPONS! WHY ARE THEY ON MY CEILING FAN! What I am sorry for is losing my mind over socks. Child, help me not be a crazy person and pick up your damn socks. What is it like to forget something someone asked you to do every day since conception? I’d like to know? How do I gain this super power of selective hearing regarding dirty ass socks? WARCHESTIRES!!! 

But I do apologize for many things. I’m sorry for over-reacting to something so small. I’m sorry for raising my voice when it clearly isn’t effective. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you when you said… xyz. Then I reset the expectation calmly - i’ts really important that we work together as a team. This house has 5 humans and one dog and if one person is cleaning up after everyone else, it becomes hard and that person becomes a psychopath. As a collective team we want the same things. WE want to be able to find our clean clothes. We want to be able to find a place to sit on the couch. We want to keep the dog from eating our shoes. We want to be able to sit at the table and eat a meal without having to hold our plates in our laps because there is no place on the table. We all want the same things, but it takes a team to make those things happen. 

Do I give this elegant speech every day? No. Does it sometimes sound like I’ve been possessed by the devil - yes. Yes it does. On those devil days I have to give myself a little grace - throw down some warchestires and try again tomorrow. I’m not sure if you’ve been following but warchestershire means apology in my book. Stick with me here. 

So Raising grace is to raise your kids every single day with the deep love you have for them within the obnoxious daily tasks that feel in the moment, may actually kill you. We give ourselves grace and we give our children grace. 

That my friends, is what I am all about. I spent 11 years building my family to what it is… a beautiful ball of chaotic joy. I am here to tell you - no matter how you came to be a parent you are not above the chaos. You are not alone on this journey of raising kids. I am told over and over and over again that I will miss this stage of parenting. I believe it, but it sure is hard to feel it in the moment. 

In Grace,

Sheila