Open Letter: To Friends of the Infirtile
Dear friends and family of the childless by circumstance,
It's my duty to officially inform you that your loved one is going through an epic internal sufferfest. I’m sure you already know this. You love the crap out of them which is why you are reading this book that they probably overnighted you out of passive aggressive rage from something you inadvertently said. Bless them.
You want to know what to say or do to ease their sufferfest. Well, I’m here to tell you there is not much you can do, but there are some things that might help.
You are the first line of defense to a surprise baby announcement. If you hear of a close family or friend that is pregnant, tell me before I find out while I’m sitting at my desk at work. Tell me before I’m at the family table and get the news in front of ten people who will inevitably turn my way out of pity. Tell me before she is six months pregnant and I find out EVERYONE has been keeping this secret for fear of my internal land mine making an everloving mess all over Gods creation. Que hurt feelings. I will be sad, but if you help me hear the news so I don’t have to put on my daytime television face, I would be forever grateful. This way, I can practice my excitement for them in the mirror. I can bow out of a group dinner to save face. I can prep with my therapist so I don’t say something like, “This is your fifth baby Doreen. Have you heard of birth control?” Nobody wants an infertile and a newly pregnant woman duking it out with all their emotions. Give a girl some heads up. It is not my intention to ruin someone's well thought out pintresty pregnancy announcement, but for my sake and everyone elses - give me the less dramatic version please.
You are also the first line of defense when it comes to Aunt Sally. If she asks you why I haven’t had children yet, tell her if we decide to have children, she will be the first to know when to start that baby blanket. Ask her to respect your loved ones privacy. Please do not give her details of my and my husbands reproductive organs. They are called privates for a reason.
Hurting people say hurtful things. Please don’t take every comment your loved one says and nail it to their headstone. They are hurting and they don’t see that they hurt others in the process. Or we do see we say hurtful things, but damn it’s hard. We can only take so much and we know that your unconditional love can occasionally handle my rude behavior. Give me grace. Love me anyway. I promise to apologize when I regain consciousness.
Make me laugh. Send a funny card in the mail. “If I could punch infertility in the face for you, I would” goes a long way my friends. Make me cry. Send a serious card in the mail,“I am here for you”. Show some recognition that you see I’m hurting.
You know me best. Be genuine. Encourage me to take care of myself through body work and mental health. Get us a gift card to a spa and join us there (to make sure we actually go). I want to spend time with you and not talk about fertility but it’s almost always on my mind. Distract me with activities I love to do or lets try something crazy and new together. I can’t spend a lot of money right now if I’m doing IVF or saving for adoption so please keep that in mind. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me and please don’t avoid me. I’m still the same old same old, I’ve just got some other junk piled on top of me right now.
Thank you for your grace. Thank you for your patience with me. I know you hurt with me and I know the day I become a mother, because I WILL become a mother, you will cry tears of joy with me.
I love you very much even though I’m terrible at showing it.
With whatever love I am able to show you right now, take heart that I appreciate everything you are trying to do for me even if I have a funny way of showing it.
Love,
Me
