Chapter 5: Family
I had started the adoption paperwork prior to our road trip. The stacks and stacks of questions that seemed far too personal and way beyond our qualifications to parent. We had a plan and we were going to work toward this plan together. Justin was hesitant still, he was worried that maybe he wouldn’t attach to an adopted child as well as a biological child. I wasn’t worried about that part at all, to me a child was a child and I would love that child to the ends of the earth if it were mine to love.
On Mother's Day of 2012 we got a call from the adoption agency that they were ready to start our home study. All we had to do was fill out an infinite amount of paperwork first. I got started, and even though the paperwork was double sided and two inches thick, I was able to complete it in about a weeks time with minimal calluses or cramping.
Then our home study started,
“Can you tell me what your sex life looks like?” - Social Worker
“I’m sorry what?” - The Chesters
“How do you feel about being naked?” - Social Worker
“Umm…Can you reword the question?” - The Chesters
“How are you going to discipline your child?” - Social Worker
“Well, I guess I just assumed a newborn wouldn’t need discipline.” - The Chesters
“Are you prepared to deal with childhood trauma?” - Social Worker
“Our goal is to not traumatize our children.” - The Chesters
What on earth did we get ourselves into.
We sat in a mandatory three day training that included a video made by angry adult adoptees whose adoptive parents had wronged them in 1,000 ways, most notably by adopting them in the first place. We discussed which drugs we would be OK with our infant being exposed to in utero. It was explained to us that getting a child without exposure to drugs and alcohol was rare and we needed to be prepared. We listened to mothers of adopted infant children talk about the trauma their child was born with and now as teens they are dealing with some heavy stuff. We listened to a pediatrician talk about what drug or alcohol exposure would look like in an infant and as they grow, what their futures would look like.
We found out that a biological mother AND biological father who have chosen to place a child for adoption has a certain number of days/weeks/months to change her mind. Each state in the US has different laws regarding adoption. In my state, it is a minimum of four days before the biological parents could even sign their relinquishment, but our agency gave them as much time as they needed. So in all reality, we could bring a baby home only to have the child returned to their biological family anytime within the agency's discretion. The timeline from getting a child to knowing for sure if it was ours to keep was around six months.
Open adoption is the new normal. Contact with biological parents is highly recommended throughout your child's life. You won’t be co-parenting, but you are adopting more than an infant. You are adopting an infant and their relatives, like them or not. The child's biological family will be in some way a part of your family. Whether you just talk about them or whether you visit them occasionally or often. We are told this is a good thing.
We listened and listened and listened. If there wasn’t one parent that wasn’t scared to death by the time they left that training, then the agency didn’t do their job. Welcome to the wilderness of adoption.
Adoption was not going to be a walk in the park. We were not just going to get some perfect human specimen that we could shape into whatever we like. We were going to get a human that was born with trauma. A child that was more likely to have reactive attachment disorder and sensory processing disorder and trust issues and abandonment issues. You can love your child to the ends of the earth and these statistics will remain the same. We didn’t know anyone that had adopted. We had no clue what we are getting into, but this three day training has taken us from idiot to expert. Ok, maybe not expert, but at least we know the worst case scenarios.
My husband, bless him, went along for the ride. He was terrified. I was determined. But again, we were both pushing for the same goal. He was a willing participant in this game. We were on the same team. We read all the adoption books and started on the parenting books. We started educating our friends and family on adoption. Generally the only question we would get asked is when. What day will you become parents? Anywhere between one day and infinity said the agency. I wish had the answer. I wish I didn’t have to wait one more moment.
We were on a ride of a lifetime, and the ride was just starting.
